This Is Giving Up..

peace out, livejournal.

2007-12-12T21:23:19Z

.......

i got no cash, got no girl, got the world in the palm of my hand,
i don’t care if you care, or if you understand,
cause i’m a little kid and i've got little problems yeah, and
i don’t give a shit if you don’t even understand,
i got me...but i got me
that’s all i need...that’s all i need
and i live comfortably...and i live comfortably
and i sleep peacefully

i got no cash, got no girl, got the world in the palm of my hand,
i don’t care if you care, or if you understand,
cause i’m a little kid and i’ve got little problems yeah, and
i don’t give a shit if you don’t even understand,
i got me...well i got me
that’s all i need...that’s all i need
and i live comfortably...and i live comfortably
and i sleep peacefully

i give up,
i don’t wanna hear,
i don’t wanna be near,
you, your friends, your dime a dozen miseries,
i don’t care if you care about the way you wear your hair,
your shoes, your idiot attitude,
don’t stop cause i wanna hear your problems,
don’t stop cause i wanna help you solve them,
don’t stop whatever i might say got a problem,
about your day, i'm moving things out the way.
i give up, i got no cash.

fight war not wars. fight power, not people.

2007-11-05T23:36:34Z

why do we try so hard and struggle so much if we're all going to die anyway? seriously, why do we put up with so much bullshit, and try so hard to succeed and to achieve an ideal happiness, if in the end none of it adds up to anything other than loosing it all? i mean, the only thing we know for sure is that we will die. so why bother.

i'm realizing that all people are not meant to be happy.
i, am one.

fuck this bullshit. there's no point for it.

because i've cried my last tear, becuase this is my freakin' yearrrrr.

2007-10-20T14:35:08Z

i really don't know why i write in this anymore... anyway, it's been three weeks, and i'm feeling better. :) i think i just miss having the company, and someone to always be there reguardless. i guess i dont want to fully let it go, cuase i really don't want to be without my best friend, which he really is. but i'm getting over it and that's a good thing, so i'll try not to think about it too much, and just be able to have fun and be singleeee. ;)

i never promised you a rose garden...

2007-10-09T01:52:05Z

YUUUUP.

i wish i could sleep forever.

honesty.

2007-10-04T00:20:10Z

i can't deny this shit to myself anymore.

i'm soo motherfucking heartbroken, and i dont even know what to do.

god fucking damn it. :'(

i can't shake this little feeling...

2007-09-30T13:53:02Z

i woke up at three this morning. then i woke up at five. i didn't sleep 'til sixthirty, and i was crying before i even got out of bed at nine. this is so fucking hard and i am so compleately heartbroken. my stress level is through the fucking roof. i have two projects i havent even started and have to finish today, i just got my period, and then all this bullshit i-got-cheated-on drama. it all came so fast and i'm so unprepared to deal with it, i don't even know where to begin. how am i supposed to sit at a computer all day and work on two major things for school, deal with cramps that pretty much consume my entire day, worry about what the fuck has happened, and what will i do when the hype about it is over and he really is just gone? this is going to be the hardest day i've had in a while. i keep loosing weight. i havent really eaten anything this week from the stress of the break we were on, to getting back together just to find out that i am better off alone i guess. my body and heart just hurt and i can't make it stop. what do i do when the one person i could talk to anything about and was there every second i needed them is gone? i mean i obviously have my friends to fall back on, but you know what? it's just really, really not that same. i guess just like a lot of things, time is all that will really help.

something's in the way.

2007-09-27T23:49:39Z

yeah.

i hate this.

my eyes were still all swollen the morning after. i can't believe that happened. i still don't know. maybe i shouldn't have let you kiss my neck today. maybe i shouldnt have asked to go to your house. i just want to be appart. i need my space. i cant seem to let you go. when you were going to give my house key back, im sorry i fell appart. i just couldnt let it seem that way. but what do i want? i want full freedom from everything, but i need you there. it feels wierd not haveing your texts to wake up to in the morning. but i need that. i need my independence. i am a kid, and you are not. i'm still learning, and i just don't know. i dont want to hurt you, but i cant let it hurt me. SO WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

here i am, with my hand.

2007-08-26T19:03:06Z

tomorrow's orientation. god damn it, i hate school. by the end of last year, i was so fucking happy to be out. i just gave up with everyone and everything there. i can't believe it's about to start again. i had a good summer though. working was sweet, california was b-e-a-utiful, and i just got to chill. i am going to miss this so much! i dont have much else to say, i just have to make this last week of summer the best week EVA.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfucfkcfkf.
<3

drinkfightandfuck.

2007-07-10T22:07:07Z

well damn.

erdgtyfhjkuijhgfdasfd.

school sucked some dick this year. grades and people are motherfuckin stoopid.
i have to take 2 online classes for algebra, but other than that i dont have to deal with shit for about another month and a half.
i think that makes me love life a little bit more.
but SUMMERRRR. it's been sweet. i'm working at brookside again this year. but this time it's an actual job, which means i get actual $$$.
my 6 month with deryk is on sunday. what the fuckkk? that's so wierd, but i dont think i could be any happier. :)
i just hope i get to see friends more, and get d-runkkkk once or 10 times. god fuckin damn.
the only bad thing i can think of really is that i get my finger "drained" tomorrow, because it's infected. YUCK.

yep. i think that's it.

i don't know why.

2007-06-16T20:46:56Z

i'm so fucking sick of everything.

money kills, money rapes, money lies, money hates.

2007-05-30T23:36:28Z

i am sick and tired and my money's always spent,
and though their jobs are killing me, thier money pays my rent.
the fuel of world hate, although it's just a seed,
but when it grows and flowers, it becomes the world's greed.
money for the rich, money for the fed,
god supplies the money and god supplies the dead!
and when yer dead and ready, "exploited" be thy name,
'cuase after you have money things are never quite the same.
i don't care for money, and money's not for me,
the money fueled this empire and our racist history.
although I'm forced to use it, the rules have all been set.
but life is not worth living when yer soul is in debt.

bodies.

2007-05-19T16:21:31Z

fuck this and fuck that, fuck it all and fuck a fucking brat.

dude.

2007-05-10T19:25:55Z

it's my birthday!

things have been great for the most part, and i'm happier than ever.
now all i need is my fuckin license.
woooo000.

No one ever updates anymore.

2007-04-08T16:38:28Z

I wish I there were more nights like the past two.
I'm thinking this spring break is going to be sweet.

touch me or don't, just let me know where you've been.

2007-04-05T14:14:47Z

you could never work well with our group,
not with the faults we found.
so we've fixed you with cement galoshes,
and no one can save you now.
unless you have friends among fish,
there’ll still be no air to breathe.
you could drink up the entire ocean,
we’ll still find someone to be everything we know that you’ll never be.

I need some fuck it in my system.

2007-03-28T23:07:12Z

SPRING BREAK NEEDS TO COME.
Now.

I want to spend more time with my amazing boyfriend and my wonderful friends, just chill, and not fucking worry about school.
Damn.

The weather is finally getting nice.

2007-03-11T22:05:13Z

This is going to be a gooood week.

Tuesday-No school.
Wednesday-No school, Deryk gets his license back.
Thurday-Leftover Crack, 2 month with Deryk :)
Saturday-Brand New.

Hell yeahhhhh!

Don't take this shit the wrong way.

2007-03-07T04:12:56Z

For the past few weeks now my mom has been so rude. I can't quite figure out what I've done to be treated like such shit, but it's getting old. I'll ask a question and before I can even get it out of my mouth, I'm being yelled at. I just don't get it. She said she was tired of dealing with me. Well excuse me that you have to deal with your daughter.
My birthday is in two months. I'll be 16, finally. But I just have a feeling like she's not going to be celebrating the fact that I was born. And I'm not even saying this in a emo way. I just feel like it's my fault that my family isn't together. Like, my dad quit his job a week before I was born, and then they got a divorce when I was 5 months. I truly belive like it was my fault. They were fine when my brother was there. Maybe that's why he's been the one that's been treated so well. I don't know. I don't understand it. And what have I even done with these 16 years? I have nothing to be proud of. I've never once heard from anyone that they were proud of me. I haven't accomplished anything. Not to say that I never will, but I'm not getting support to do things I actually do think that I can do. There's no other way to discribe it other than it sucks.
Like, I can't even get C's in all of my classes. I don't want to get out of high school and not be able to do things that I want. Get a good job. Get a nice house. Be happy. I'm being told everyday that I can't get these things. I'm being told I failed. No, I didn't fucking fail.
I didn't fail.
My grades might be failing. But don't tell me that I failed. This isn't like, a new thing, I've been told this since 6th grade. But maybe that's it. I honestly have just stopped believing in my capabilities. And Why? Because someone else has told me that I can't succeed? That's fucking bullshit. When I got my progress report I had an A- in English and a B in Econ. She didn't mention the fact that I clearly passed those. She went on and on about how I'll never graduate because I can't pass math. What's the point in doing well in something just to be told I still won't be able to succeed? And who is she to tell me that? I just don't get this, and I honestly feel like shit.

Am I really a bad person?

Maybe I do need to get my shit together.
Or maybe I just need to get a backbone and next time tell her to fuck off and encourage me for god damn once.

If you hate me so much then stop singing my songs.

2007-03-03T22:59:10Z

A moment of silence, please, for those who never get the chance
They show up to the party, but they're never asked to dance
The losers, the liars, the bastards, the thieves
The cynicists, the pessimists, and those that don't believe in nothing.

I never met a loser that I didn't see eye-to-eye with, I declare
I stare into your eyes
But you look right past me into the air
What's it like to stand in your shoes?
To have never felt the belt of somebody's abuse?
I take the bottle and I tip it to all my heroes that have passed
Alas, you have left us, but your stories they will last
Uninspired by the recruiting call
Independent we stand
Independent we fall

So tell me, how long do you think you can go before you lose it all?
Before they call you bluff and watch you fall?
I don't know, but I'd like to think I had control
At some point, but I let it go and lost my soul
Sit tight, but the revolution's years away
I'm losing faith and I'm running low on things to say
So, I guess I have no choice but to regurgitate
The tired anthem of a loser and a hypocrite
Oh! To have died that night, I realized it wouldn't last
Our days were numbered and the reaper tipped the hourglass
The final mayday of our sinking ship had come and passed
Oh! To the west, you don't know what it is you're running from
And everybody's laughing loud
Your last chance to make your mother and your father proud...

...No song that I could sing, but I could try for your heart.

2007-02-25T03:59:14Z

I want to make a good entry, but I don't know what to say.

I guess this will do:
Happiness,Peace&Love.

I think I might be content with all three?

and i've seen your flag on the marble arch

2007-02-11T23:48:14Z

and love is not a victory march;it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

Low.

2007-02-03T16:40:43Z

So in the matter of a couple weeks, you lost your two "best" friends.
And you think it's all our fault?
You took advantage of us and that's all I can say.
I mean, I try to see the good in everybody, but I having a difficult time seeing any good in you.

I need to shower.

2007-01-27T22:57:18Z

These past couple weeks have been wonderful.

I don't think I could be any happier.

A thousand wishes I've missed, from hanging onto this.

2006-12-21T03:16:37Z

I've been noticing qualities in myself lately that I've never really noticed before,
&I'm becoming more and more comfortable with who I think I'm becoming.
I don't really know how this happening, but I like it.
A lot.
I'm just feeling a whole lot better about everything.
And I can finally say it...

...I think I'm happy again.

....

2006-12-16T16:23:49Z

You and your jet black eyes, you.
Walk this way.
Come a little closer you you can tell me your name.
And now If I could be so bold, I'd like to tell you that you absolutely reek of class.