| peace out, livejournal. |
[Dec. 12th, 2007|04:17 pm] |
.......
i got no cash, got no girl, got the world in the palm of my hand,
i don’t care if you care, or if you understand,
cause i’m a little kid and i've got little problems yeah, and
i don’t give a shit if you don’t even understand,
i got me...but i got me
that’s all i need...that’s all i need
and i live comfortably...and i live comfortably
and i sleep peacefully
i got no cash, got no girl, got the world in the palm of my hand,
i don’t care if you care, or if you understand,
cause i’m a little kid and i’ve got little problems yeah, and
i don’t give a shit if you don’t even understand,
i got me...well i got me
that’s all i need...that’s all i need
and i live comfortably...and i live comfortably
and i sleep peacefully
i give up,
i don’t wanna hear,
i don’t wanna be near,
you, your friends, your dime a dozen miseries,
i don’t care if you care about the way you wear your hair,
your shoes, your idiot attitude,
don’t stop cause i wanna hear your problems,
don’t stop cause i wanna help you solve them,
don’t stop whatever i might say got a problem,
about your day, i'm moving things out the way.
i give up, i got no cash. |
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| fight war not wars. fight power, not people. |
[Nov. 5th, 2007|06:23 pm] |
why do we try so hard and struggle so much if we're all going to die anyway? seriously, why do we put up with so much bullshit, and try so hard to succeed and to achieve an ideal happiness, if in the end none of it adds up to anything other than loosing it all? i mean, the only thing we know for sure is that we will die. so why bother.
i'm realizing that all people are not meant to be happy.
i, am one.
fuck this bullshit. there's no point for it. |
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| because i've cried my last tear, becuase this is my freakin' yearrrrr. |
[Oct. 20th, 2007|10:21 am] |
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i really don't know why i write in this anymore... anyway, it's been three weeks, and i'm feeling better. :) i think i just miss having the company, and someone to always be there reguardless. i guess i dont want to fully let it go, cuase i really don't want to be without my best friend, which he really is. but i'm getting over it and that's a good thing, so i'll try not to think about it too much, and just be able to have fun and be singleeee. ;) |
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| honesty. |
[Oct. 3rd, 2007|08:18 pm] |
i can't deny this shit to myself anymore.
i'm soo motherfucking heartbroken, and i dont even know what to do.
god fucking damn it. :'( |
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| i can't shake this little feeling... |
[Sep. 30th, 2007|09:27 am] |
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i woke up at three this morning. then i woke up at five. i didn't sleep 'til sixthirty, and i was crying before i even got out of bed at nine. this is so fucking hard and i am so compleately heartbroken. my stress level is through the fucking roof. i have two projects i havent even started and have to finish today, i just got my period, and then all this bullshit i-got-cheated-on drama. it all came so fast and i'm so unprepared to deal with it, i don't even know where to begin. how am i supposed to sit at a computer all day and work on two major things for school, deal with cramps that pretty much consume my entire day, worry about what the fuck has happened, and what will i do when the hype about it is over and he really is just gone? this is going to be the hardest day i've had in a while. i keep loosing weight. i havent really eaten anything this week from the stress of the break we were on, to getting back together just to find out that i am better off alone i guess. my body and heart just hurt and i can't make it stop. what do i do when the one person i could talk to anything about and was there every second i needed them is gone? i mean i obviously have my friends to fall back on, but you know what? it's just really, really not that same. i guess just like a lot of things, time is all that will really help. |
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| something's in the way. |
[Sep. 27th, 2007|07:36 pm] |
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yeah.
i hate this.
my eyes were still all swollen the morning after. i can't believe that happened. i still don't know. maybe i shouldn't have let you kiss my neck today. maybe i shouldnt have asked to go to your house. i just want to be appart. i need my space. i cant seem to let you go. when you were going to give my house key back, im sorry i fell appart. i just couldnt let it seem that way. but what do i want? i want full freedom from everything, but i need you there. it feels wierd not haveing your texts to wake up to in the morning. but i need that. i need my independence. i am a kid, and you are not. i'm still learning, and i just don't know. i dont want to hurt you, but i cant let it hurt me. SO WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? |
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| here i am, with my hand. |
[Aug. 26th, 2007|02:52 pm] |
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tomorrow's orientation. god damn it, i hate school. by the end of last year, i was so fucking happy to be out. i just gave up with everyone and everything there. i can't believe it's about to start again. i had a good summer though. working was sweet, california was b-e-a-utiful, and i just got to chill. i am going to miss this so much! i dont have much else to say, i just have to make this last week of summer the best week EVA.
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfucfkcfkf.
<3 |
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| drinkfightandfuck. |
[Jul. 10th, 2007|05:54 pm] |
well damn.
erdgtyfhjkuijhgfdasfd.
school sucked some dick this year. grades and people are motherfuckin stoopid.
i have to take 2 online classes for algebra, but other than that i dont have to deal with shit for about another month and a half.
i think that makes me love life a little bit more.
but SUMMERRRR. it's been sweet. i'm working at brookside again this year. but this time it's an actual job, which means i get actual $$$.
my 6 month with deryk is on sunday. what the fuckkk? that's so wierd, but i dont think i could be any happier. :)
i just hope i get to see friends more, and get d-runkkkk once or 10 times. god fuckin damn.
the only bad thing i can think of really is that i get my finger "drained" tomorrow, because it's infected. YUCK.
yep. i think that's it. |
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| money kills, money rapes, money lies, money hates. |
[May. 30th, 2007|07:33 pm] |
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i am sick and tired and my money's always spent,
and though their jobs are killing me, thier money pays my rent.
the fuel of world hate, although it's just a seed,
but when it grows and flowers, it becomes the world's greed.
money for the rich, money for the fed,
god supplies the money and god supplies the dead!
and when yer dead and ready, "exploited" be thy name,
'cuase after you have money things are never quite the same.
i don't care for money, and money's not for me,
the money fueled this empire and our racist history.
although I'm forced to use it, the rules have all been set.
but life is not worth living when yer soul is in debt.
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| bodies. |
[May. 19th, 2007|12:12 pm] |
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fuck this and fuck that, fuck it all and fuck a fucking brat. |
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| dude. |
[May. 10th, 2007|03:21 pm] |
it's my birthday!
things have been great for the most part, and i'm happier than ever.
now all i need is my fuckin license.
woooo000. |
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| No one ever updates anymore. |
[Apr. 8th, 2007|12:36 pm] |
I wish I there were more nights like the past two.
I'm thinking this spring break is going to be sweet. |
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| touch me or don't, just let me know where you've been. |
[Apr. 5th, 2007|10:11 am] |
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you could never work well with our group,
not with the faults we found.
so we've fixed you with cement galoshes,
and no one can save you now.
unless you have friends among fish,
there’ll still be no air to breathe.
you could drink up the entire ocean,
we’ll still find someone to be everything we know that you’ll never be.
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| I need some fuck it in my system. |
[Mar. 28th, 2007|06:49 pm] |
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SPRING BREAK NEEDS TO COME.
Now.
I want to spend more time with my amazing boyfriend and my wonderful friends, just chill, and not fucking worry about school.
Damn.
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| The weather is finally getting nice. |
[Mar. 11th, 2007|06:00 pm] |
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This is going to be a gooood week.
Tuesday-No school.
Wednesday-No school, Deryk gets his license back.
Thurday-Leftover Crack, 2 month with Deryk :)
Saturday-Brand New.
Hell yeahhhhh! |
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| Don't take this shit the wrong way. |
[Mar. 6th, 2007|10:38 pm] |
For the past few weeks now my mom has been so rude. I can't quite figure out what I've done to be treated like such shit, but it's getting old. I'll ask a question and before I can even get it out of my mouth, I'm being yelled at. I just don't get it. She said she was tired of dealing with me. Well excuse me that you have to deal with your daughter.
My birthday is in two months. I'll be 16, finally. But I just have a feeling like she's not going to be celebrating the fact that I was born. And I'm not even saying this in a emo way. I just feel like it's my fault that my family isn't together. Like, my dad quit his job a week before I was born, and then they got a divorce when I was 5 months. I truly belive like it was my fault. They were fine when my brother was there. Maybe that's why he's been the one that's been treated so well. I don't know. I don't understand it. And what have I even done with these 16 years? I have nothing to be proud of. I've never once heard from anyone that they were proud of me. I haven't accomplished anything. Not to say that I never will, but I'm not getting support to do things I actually do think that I can do. There's no other way to discribe it other than it sucks.
Like, I can't even get C's in all of my classes. I don't want to get out of high school and not be able to do things that I want. Get a good job. Get a nice house. Be happy. I'm being told everyday that I can't get these things. I'm being told I failed. No, I didn't fucking fail.
I didn't fail.
My grades might be failing. But don't tell me that I failed. This isn't like, a new thing, I've been told this since 6th grade. But maybe that's it. I honestly have just stopped believing in my capabilities. And Why? Because someone else has told me that I can't succeed? That's fucking bullshit. When I got my progress report I had an A- in English and a B in Econ. She didn't mention the fact that I clearly passed those. She went on and on about how I'll never graduate because I can't pass math. What's the point in doing well in something just to be told I still won't be able to succeed? And who is she to tell me that? I just don't get this, and I honestly feel like shit.
Am I really a bad person?
Maybe I do need to get my shit together.
Or maybe I just need to get a backbone and next time tell her to fuck off and encourage me for god damn once. |
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| If you hate me so much then stop singing my songs. |
[Mar. 3rd, 2007|05:51 pm] |
A moment of silence, please, for those who never get the chance
They show up to the party, but they're never asked to dance
The losers, the liars, the bastards, the thieves
The cynicists, the pessimists, and those that don't believe in nothing.
I never met a loser that I didn't see eye-to-eye with, I declare
I stare into your eyes
But you look right past me into the air
What's it like to stand in your shoes?
To have never felt the belt of somebody's abuse?
I take the bottle and I tip it to all my heroes that have passed
Alas, you have left us, but your stories they will last
Uninspired by the recruiting call
Independent we stand
Independent we fall
So tell me, how long do you think you can go before you lose it all?
Before they call you bluff and watch you fall?
I don't know, but I'd like to think I had control
At some point, but I let it go and lost my soul
Sit tight, but the revolution's years away
I'm losing faith and I'm running low on things to say
So, I guess I have no choice but to regurgitate
The tired anthem of a loser and a hypocrite
Oh! To have died that night, I realized it wouldn't last
Our days were numbered and the reaper tipped the hourglass
The final mayday of our sinking ship had come and passed
Oh! To the west, you don't know what it is you're running from
And everybody's laughing loud
Your last chance to make your mother and your father proud... |
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| Low. |
[Feb. 3rd, 2007|11:36 am] |
So in the matter of a couple weeks, you lost your two "best" friends.
And you think it's all our fault?
You took advantage of us and that's all I can say.
I mean, I try to see the good in everybody, but I having a difficult time seeing any good in you. |
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| I need to shower. |
[Jan. 27th, 2007|05:54 pm] |
These past couple weeks have been wonderful.
I don't think I could be any happier. |
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| A thousand wishes I've missed, from hanging onto this. |
[Dec. 20th, 2006|10:02 pm] |
I've been noticing qualities in myself lately that I've never really noticed before,
&I'm becoming more and more comfortable with who I think I'm becoming.
I don't really know how this happening, but I like it.
A lot.
I'm just feeling a whole lot better about everything.
And I can finally say it...
...I think I'm happy again. |
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| .... |
[Dec. 16th, 2006|10:58 am] |
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You and your jet black eyes, you.
Walk this way.
Come a little closer you you can tell me your name.
And now If I could be so bold, I'd like to tell you that you absolutely reek of class. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 21st, 2006|10:12 pm] |
I've been with Emilio for a month now. I am not in 'love'. I am not even close. I mean, I can't give anything if I am not getting anything. That relationship is the most ridiculous relationship I've ever had. Fuck that.
Though somehow I just can't end it.
...The more I think about it, the more I miss you.
Not you. It. I miss what there was.
It's been a while. Too long for this to make sence.
But you already knew that.
(I shouldn't have posted this.) |
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| Withoutmyboo. |
[Nov. 19th, 2006|10:50 pm] |
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Finally, a good night. :) |
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| What a terrible night. |
[Nov. 18th, 2006|11:49 pm] |
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god that was strange to see you again
introduced by a friend of a friend
smiled and said 'yes i think we've met before'
in that instant it started to pour,
captured a taxi despite all the rain
we drove in silence across pont champlain
and all of the time you thought i was sad
i was trying to remember your name...
this scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
now you're outside me
you.see.all.the.beauty.
repent all your sin
it's nothing but time and a face that you lose
i chose to feel it and you couldn't chose
i'll write you a postcard
i'll send you the news
from a house down the road from real love...
live through this, and you won't look back...
live through this, and you won't look back...
live through this, and you won't look back...
there's one thing i want to say, so i'll be brave
you were what i wanted
i gave what i gave
i'm not sorry i met you
i'm not sorry it's over
i'm not sorry there's nothing to say
...i'm not sorry there's nothing to say... |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 17th, 2006|04:20 pm] |
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Why the fuck has everybody been an asshole lately?
I'm so sick of it.
I hate you all.
(...Well. Not quite all.)
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| Let down and hanging around. |
[Nov. 12th, 2006|11:33 am] |
I'm having a hard time finding the words to discribe how I feel.
I'm just soo...
I don't know.
This is so frusterating.
....If you don't want me, then dont be with me, you fuck. |
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| ilovethis. |
[Nov. 8th, 2006|06:33 pm] |
"Well behaved women rarely make history."
- Marilyn Monroe |
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| It's not about love. 'Cause I am not in love. |
[Nov. 7th, 2006|01:12 pm] |
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I had a dream last night that you came back to me.
You kissed my cheek and whispered, "I wish things wern't this way..."
Then I woke up.
And I was really fucking cold. |
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| They are the closest thing to blood that I have. |
[Nov. 2nd, 2006|10:20 pm] |
I'm craving an independence that I just can't have.
I need to be free from everything right now.
I hate living at this house.
It's not a family.
I'm not in the family.
I hate school.
I dread it every morning.
It's not the people, it's the grades.
I try.
Maybe not the hardest, but I try,
And I get nowhere.
So if I stop trying, what difference will it make?
Grades are dumb, anyway. I am not defined by a grade.
I am not a D. So don't put me in that catagory.
But that's all that matters.
I hate living my life to be graded.
Eh, but maybe I'm the only one who thinks that way.
Though, what I hate the most is what I've become.
I'm just not a happy person anymore.
I wish I was, but I just can't bring it.
I try really hard, and sometimes it works.
But being happy shouldn't be a 'sometimes' thing.
I am when I'm with friends. Or Emilio.
Yeahhhh.
I'm begining to live my life for the people in it,
but if that's what going to keep me going, hey. It's worth it.
I need to make a change. |
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| I'm better than this. |
[Oct. 29th, 2006|10:08 am] |
If that's the kind of "love" you give me,
I'D RATHER BE ALONE, BELIEVE ME.
That's not the way you're 'posed to treat me,
I'd rather walk away..
It was another night.
Another fucking night.
I'm not going to sit here and wait again.
Fuck you. |
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| But I am too weak to be your cure. |
[Oct. 27th, 2006|07:07 pm] |
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?
I don't want this to be me.
I feel like I'm about to loose it all.
The only thing that's filling me up is regret.
I don't know what to say. |
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| I once believed, "If only I was thinking at all..." |
[Oct. 26th, 2006|10:22 pm] |
Alright well,
I like him. A lot.
A whole lot.
But he just never has time.
It seems like between school, work and ahem, 'band practice'
It just seems like I don't fit in.
I don't know.
He's the one guy that I've just always had a thing for,
Ya know?
The one person you've just always kinda liked, but never done much about it.
And now I have the chance to spend the next few months
&hopefully longer with him.
I don't know.
Maybe I'm overreacting. But like.
If you were sick, and couldn't hang out with me,
Then why did you go practice ith your band?
Seems kind of cheap.
But in no way do I want to loose him.
But it's a brand new relationship..make time, dude.
I'd sacrafice a whole lot to see you.
I can only hope for that in return.
It's just kind of frusterating.
Actually, very frusterating.
But I don't want to admit this to him..because I am kind of overreacting.
Ugh<3. |
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| itbeats4u. |
[Oct. 22nd, 2006|07:58 pm] |
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This was one of the best weekends..ever.
I'm freakin' happy.
Okay, time to say something i've been keeping to myself for a while.
..I'm bipolar.
But I swear I'm not crazy.
And No, I'm not just saying that,
It's diagnosed.
Alright. Well that's about it.
Peace outttt.
<3Emilio. |
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| You are the bluest light. |
[Oct. 18th, 2006|11:09 pm] |
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I loved today.
Evey minute of it.
Period.
My friends are amazing,
and so is that damn boyyy!<3
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| I'm an embarassment. |
[Oct. 17th, 2006|12:49 pm] |
I've made myself sick.
All around sick.
I feel like I'm going to puke and I'm just compleatly drained.
I'm not happy.
I finally find someone who is incredible
And not just found....how to put it...
Rediscovered? I've known him since I was 5.
And like, I can't have anything happen because shit will get bck to my brother.
And I quote(from my mom and ben) "stay out of our lives!"
I just don't want to be at this house anymore.
I can't do this anymore.
I had a fucking fifth, and it was gone in 2 days.
I wish I had it right now.
I need to get fucked up right now.
I feel like I have no one there.
My family obviously isn't doing anything, and my friends cant understand,
Even though they try.
I'm about to have a breakdown.
I've never made myself sick like this.
Ever.
Everything that i've gone through in the past year
seems like it's comming down now.
I'm scared. |
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| ROCK THE 40OZ. |
[Oct. 9th, 2006|09:53 pm] |
I am not really living.
Someone help me.
I hate this feeling more than anything. |
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| I bet they don't even go to church. |
[Oct. 7th, 2006|11:34 pm] |
Alright well.
That was a good two weeks? Ha.
I'm going to just sit back and wait for an amazing guy to come along.
It might be a while, but that's okay.
I don't want a boyfriend that will 'just do'.
I want a boyfriend that I just never can get enough of.
Yeahhhhh, might be a longggg while.
Oh.& I hatehatehatehatehateeeee immaturity.
Faggots. Grow the fuck up and don't fucking go up to my brother and say something about me that isn't true. Cunts. Get a fucking life, you creeps. |
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| Things are good, but could be better. |
[Oct. 2nd, 2006|04:48 pm] |
Today was one of those days you just don't ever want to repeat.
I never want to have to sit there, and watch my best friend and her family absoultely in tears ever again.
It was hard.
RIP.
Anyway, I dont want to think about that anymore.
Hmmm, I need a car. Or a good friend who wouldent mind driving me somewhere, orrrrrr to have my mom get up and drive me somewhere. I want to see Riley so badly. This whole once a week thing isn't going to work. It sucks. It makes the whole week seem soo long and then when i get to see him it's too short, and then I spend it worrying about how after I leave it'll be so long before I get to come back.
Ughhhh<3 |
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| ..whispers"hello,imissyouquiteterribly.." |
[Oct. 1st, 2006|12:29 am] |
Ck homecoming tonight was so much fun.
There is no one else I would have rather spent it with.
You actually put a real smile on my face..it's amazing.
You're just amazing.<333 |
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| She's now a living spirit. |
[Sep. 27th, 2006|07:21 pm] |
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Alyssa.
I love you. I'm going to be here for you until you get through this.
I can't even immagine, and I'm going stay by your side.
If there's anything you need, you can just call me. Until you're alright, I'm here.
Always. |
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| I'm just taking it all in. |
[Sep. 26th, 2006|07:15 pm] |
This week is already taking forever.
Ughh, and I'm pretty sure hc is gonna be wierd as hellllll.
I thought it would be amazing,
But if my ck friends dont grow the fuck up in 4 days, it's going to blow.
Oh well.
My Riley is there<3
&that will be the best. |
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| This one's different. |
[Sep. 23rd, 2006|11:18 pm] |
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Ah, I am so happy right now.
I have a boy. One that is amazinggg and I really like him.
He's just soo... : )
Bad side. I'll only get to see him once a week. Because he boards at cranbrook.
Ugh. I need a car. And to be 16. So I can have a license.
Boo<3 |
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